Q: Where can you find 90,000,000 French jokes?

A: In France.

The makers of French’s Mustard made the following recent statement:

We at the French’s Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.

The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.

Q. Why are French streets tree-lined?

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q. How do you say hello in French?

A. “I Surrender.”

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

- Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years’ War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

- Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War: Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Let’s face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They’ve been beaten so many times there’s no fight left in them.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

But never fear - The French are always there when they need us!

Q: Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be — Bonn or Berlin — a compromise was struck: Paris.

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. “Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?”

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

“Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German.”

The group became silent.

Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?

A. “Don’t shoot, I give up!”

Ford Escort Me To A Chevrolet Dealer.

Next time some Fordnatic claims Ford means “First on race day” remind them that anything could be fast if a team of mechanics worked on it all week so it would last long enough to run a race before needing another weeks work.

Why are the new Ford trucks more aerodymic?

So they will save the Chevy gas when the Chevy tows them away.

Do you know that Ford has admitted they are expensive and unreliable? That new commercial they are running says so! When that country singer says “If I had me some money” he admits he can’t afford one, and when he adds that he’d “buy a Ford truck or two” it because he needs a spare.

This is your brain
“CHEVY”,

This is your brain on drugs
“FORD”

The people who say they would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy usually do.

SPEED KILLS
DRIVE A FORD
LIVE FOR EVER

How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?

Fill it with gas!

Ford… At least they circled the problem.